I’m Still Here

I am still here…. so much to say too little time.  I wanted to share this video of Lady Gaga about her drug/alcohol addiction.  I never really liked her music until now. Please watch…. Lets change the world together!

It’s time for a change!!!! LOL

Winter The Dolphin

Meet Winter The Dolphin…the famous star in the movie ” A Dolphin Tale”.  I wanted to share her story because she has inspired me so much.  This is her story below:

At only three months of age, Winter found herself wrapped tightly in a crab trap line and was unable to escape. She was rescued from Mosquito Lagoon (near Cape Canaveral) and transported to Clear Water Marine Aquarium to begin a long rehabilitation. Unfortunately, Winter lost her entire tail as well as two vertebrae a result of the serious injuries that she had sustained.

Although her story is intriguing, it is also very rare, as many dolphins unfortunately die in monofilament and crab trap lines. Despite the odds against survival, Winter’s energy and ability to adapt to her new physical form has surpassed the expectations of many experts. Winter has done amazingly well in the short time since her stranding. She has completely healed, adapted to a new swim pattern, and learned to eat fish on her own… about twelve pounds a day! She is growing quickly, and now weighs in at 230 pounds!

Me and my daughter came to see Winter here in Clearwater Beach, Florida. She is so amazing to see in person swimming away as if nothing was wrong with her… I am sharing this story because sometimes I feel like I have such a handicap by being an alcoholic.  Almost like loosing a limb and feeling like in some ways I do not fit in with the normal crowd or “drinkers”. I have recently felt down and out that I have this disease. But after witnessing this amazing creature and everything she has been thru and she is still going strong after all of it. This makes me feel so much better about where I am today and that this disease is actually making me stronger than I have ever felt before in my life. I am not giving up and I will continue my journey in sobriety and will hopefully inspire others who struggle with alcoholism as Winter has inspired so many people with handicaps. It is all about taking something that is so bad and turning it into something positively amazing! Living Strong… I would not feel this way if I was not an alcoholic and that I am truly grateful for!

Humility

Humility is a strange thing…I guess I had been on that so called “pink cloud”  the first month or so of my sobriety.  The past week has been an emotional roller coaster.  One minute I am happy and positive and the next not so much.  Even in the midst of my mixed emotions I have not had the urge to drink, and that I am truly grateful for.  I am just not use to feeling everything and yes, when times got tough I drank… ok, I drank even when times were not tough.  This whole humility thing is such a fragile and beautiful thing.  I have never felt so much humility ever in my life…my sobriety gives me this.  Such a precious gift that even in the hard times I can stop and say at least I am sober… at least I know what it feels like to want to die.  Anything I feel now even if it is not all peachy and bubbly, at least I don’t feel like I did the last time I drank.  Being in recovery makes me feel human and alive.  It’s like being part of the 1% percent club..we are a special breed of people and we all get to share our experience, strength and hope.  Just as I am typing this makes me feel so much better about were I am in my life TODAY!!!

X out Drinking!

Don’t we wish it was that easy…. Just X out Drinking FOREVER!  Not that I have a desire to drink at all but I did have one of those drinking dreams last night.  I have never been happier that it was just a dream.  I woke up in cold sweat and my heart was racing… it was not a good feeling at all.  But when I realized it was just a dream, I was so relieved.  Thank God right,  all of this hard work down the drain… I don’t think so… I remember in my dream, thinking about the consequences and letting down my fellow AA members, daughter, mom, and all that it means to take that first drink… but in my dream, none of that mattered.  All day I have been so happy that it was just a dream and that I will do what ever it takes to NEVER give into that urge to take that first drink.  I am grateful to actually have a life without drinking!

My Dad

So I just wanted to share this…I started this blog in 2009 right before I found out my dad was dying from cirrhosis of the liver.  I remember he was so proud of me when I told him about it and he starting following my post.  I kept this blog going even after his death mainly because of this comment he posted on my “About Me” page.  Every time I would read it, I would get very emotional.  Now that I am sober, I don’t get sad any more…it actually makes me really happy that I can read this and know that I am making him proud by breaking the cycle of alcoholism in our family.  I love and miss you dad…xoxo-b

“brandy thank you for our lovely days we had this weekend I am humble,proud to say you are my daughter..If i were able to make a daughter then hand it to god I wouldnt come close what you really are.
As my daughter you bring me such joy and laughter and love unconditonal love…That helps me to keep focused on in my life…You are and a shinny light that no one or no disease can defeat……To the brightess star of my life keep going and good things will happen for you and India..Love ya with all my heart and soul…..Daddy”

Sobriety Is A Journey Not A Destination

This phrase make me smile:)  It is so true…my sobriety is a journey and I am so grateful for that.  It’s like having a second chance at life with a whole new pair of eyes.  No more drunk vision and a warped reality.  I have the chance to live life really to fullest with all that it means.  The journey of real life on life’s terms not my own.  Living a life that I know in my heart was meant for me not for anyone else.  We alcoholics in recovery all have this same blessing.  Most of us have expierenced that dark and ugly place that drinking brought us to… and now in sobriety we can live everyday as if we were brought back to life.   A sober life.  A life not perfect but real, true, and honest.  I can rest easy at night knowing I will wake up in the morning and not feel ashamed or not even remember what I did.  I look forward to each day even amongst the challenges in life and watch my sober journey unfold day by day.  I love watching other alcoholics in recovery blossom right in front of my eyes.  I am learning so much from you also.  This sober life rocks!!!

I survived the 4th of July

Well I am happy to say I survived the 4th of July!!!  It’s amazing that every holiday no matter what it is all about… always requires massive amounts of alcohol..well at least were a I live in Louisiana!  So for business purposes, I volunteered at a pretty big festival here that celebrates the 4th of July, 3 days in a row.  The festival had over 30,000 people and I would say 90% were drunk.  I was working the admissions table and I could smell the alcohol from a mile away.  It actually made me kind of sick to my stomach and I thought did I really act like that?  Could other sober people smell me a mile away??  I am not going to kid myself, I am sure they did.  I have to admit that I was pretty proud to be on the other side as a sober person not the drunk person.  Other volunteers began to drink as the crowd started to clear and of course the question came if I wanted a drink.  With a proud smile on my face I said NO, I do not drink.  I think because I was so clear and matter of fact about it.. they did not even ask me again after that.  Volunteering at this festival was a risky decision for me to make so new in my sobriety… but in my heart I felt strong.  I knew that with all that I have been thru over the years.. that well, I have just had enough.  No more alcohol for this sober chick;)  This at the end of the day makes me feel proud and happy to be sober!!

Pay It Forward

Pay it Forward…not only is this a great recovery movie but this concept is life changing!

“When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world.” – Rabbi Harold Kushner

In my recovery I am learning it’s not all about me anymore….the more I am outside of myself, the more human I feel and stronger I am in my recovery.  I was so self centered in my drinking, I did not even know that there was a national “Pay it Forward Day.”  So hear I am 56 days sober and I am ready to start giving back… even if it something as simple as smiling at a complete stranger, listening to another AA member, or just telling my daughter how much I love her.  If we just do 1 act of kindness to another human being everyday no matter how big or small.. how much of a positive impact that has on this world.  Such a simple concept… being kind to one another.  Well I am grateful to be an alcoholic because I realize now how  important such a simple thing is in my life.  In my sobriety I am able to look outside of myself and help others who are going or been thru exactly what I am going thru.  This is such a beautiful thing and feeling…I am not alone…you are not alone.  We are in this together!!  I ask anyone who reads this post… to pay it forward… let’s help make this world a better place:)

F*#K You Wolfie!

So I found this blog “Tired of Thinking About Drinking” not too long after I got out of treatment.  I am so grateful that I did because it has truly helped me in my journey of sobriety.  Belle, who is the amazing author has shared her journey everyday for the past year.  Yep, she has made one year today!!  That gives me hope that this can be done…it just takes what it takes but we don’t give up.  She has also inspired me to share my story and to hopefully help others who may be going thru the same thing.  Belle has really helped me and many others who deal with alcoholism. Check it out for yourself… join the 100 day challenge, which by the way I am on day 55:)  You can also purchase one of these amazing “Fuck you Wolfie Bracelets!”  Wolfie is that urge to drink… bad very bad to us alcoholics.  So for me it helps to think of that urge as a hairy, ugly, beastly looking wolf with red eyes and fangs.  Something that wants to eat me alive… so when this ugly beast tries to come my way, well I kick his ass!!!  Actually since I got this bracelet, he has not dared to show his face! This is a lighter and more fun approach to deal with not wanting to drink and by not giving into that beastly urge.  Just another beautiful and fun way to deal with something that is very dark and deadly and that sadly enough so much of us have to deal with in our lives.  On the lighter note… there is hope and we can beat this.  If you would like some extra support on this journey I encourage you to check out “Tired of Thinking About Drinking” and join the 100 day challenge!

I put on my big girl panties….

So, the last time I drank…my mom’s advise was “Put on your big girl panties & deal with it!”  I was shocked when she said that!

It took me back for a second… and then I thought, she is so right!  I mean I am an adult…right?  I got so used to using my disease as a clutch with coping with life…it was about time I did put my big girl panties on and deal with life.  So now I’m wearing my girl panties and you know what….they are pretty damn comfortable;)  I’m not saying that my life is any easier right now, but it does sure feel good to be sober and not living in guilt, pain and all that comes with drinking.  I can deal with life on life’s terms and that feels really good.  So I am a big girl now!!!

Horray for me and all you other sober people!!!